Ever since I noticed the Godfather, I’ve been obsessive about mobster tradition. Their likes. Their dislikes. Their mannerisms and costume. Now, as I’m accessorizing my ’06 Escalade, I can’t assist however marvel: what would Sonny purchase? The Husky Liners or the Weathertech Ground Liners? It took some severe consideration, however I believe I made the fitting selection.
When folks ask me how I first got interested within the Cosa Nostra, I can pinpoint the precise second. It was August eleventh, a muggy Sunday afternoon with no video games on TV. HBO was working a recap of Saturday night time’s large premier, What Girls Need, so I handled the pay channel prefer it had crabs and prevented it. Then, a magical second occurred, and I’m speaking very, very magical—like Moses parting the Pink Sea or Lazarus creeping again out of the grave magical. Right here’s what occurred: I stumbled throughout The Godfather enjoying on TBS. Now, to some folks, this is able to hardly represent a defining second in a single’s life, however I used to be without end modified by the expertise. You see, I had by no means seen The Godfather earlier than. Although I’m no spring rooster, I had by no means run throughout this movie. Certain, I’d heard folks speaking about it at events, and Bruce Vilanch couldn’t write an awards ceremony script with out dropping scene references like he drops Twinkies. However, for the primary (and positively not the final) time, on that Sunday afternoon, I knew what I needed to do with my life. I needed to be a made man.
As a result of I grew up in Scottsdale, Arizona, I knew virtually nothing about The Black Hand. So I sat down and began to perform a little research utilizing the one supply I knew I may depend on: Hollywood. I took a visit to Blockbuster and got here dwelling with a mountain of flicks. Goodfellas, White Warmth, On line casino, Carlito’s Method, Donnie Brasco, Angels with Soiled Faces, Pulp Fiction—I watched all of them. I even sat by way of stinkers like Oscar and My Blue Heaven! I imply, I’m speaking severe dedication.
5 weeks and 4 bottles of aspirin later, I had logged over 200 hours of straight mafia film viewing. I didn’t notice it at first, however I began subconsciously reworking right into a bona fide goombah. It was a really delicate change, like paint drying. I actually didn’t discover it till one morning I discovered myself placing on a blue and black observe go well with to put on to work as a substitute of my typical Haggard khakis and Nautica polo. I stepped in entrance of the mirror to take a very good take a look at myself, and I noticed what had occurred: my hair was dyed black and greased again; a tangle of gold crucifixes dangled from my neck and matched the gold horseshoe ring on my pinkie; and a pair of sock garters clung to my calves. After soaking in my picture for a minute, an epiphany struck me like a .22 caliber bullet: I had grow to be a smart man.
Although my costume and have an effect on modified, my bodily possessions nonetheless mirrored my earlier life. My first transfer was to push my Suzuki Sidekick into the lake and choose up a flashy new Cadillac Escalade. Then, I made a decision to decorate it to the nines, however I wasn’t positive which cargo liner to go along with: the Husky Liners or the Weathertech Ground Liners. Each had been custom-made for a kind match and so they each promised all-weather safety. So I needed to ask myself, WWTD (What Would Tony Soprano Do)? He’d most likely admire the textured tread on the Husky Liners, however the excessive partitions of the Weathertech Ground Liners would maintain swimming pools of blood and little items of mind from sloshing round after a success. So I went with Weathertech. And I’m even engaged on my Italian. Proper now, I simply know 1 phrase: “Fuhgetuhboudit.” I can’t discover it in any dictionaries, so I’m guessing it’s a particular code phrase that will get you low cost costs on the Olive Backyard. Life is sweet.
